Shine

Father in heaven I just want to shine.  I want to be like your son every minute of everyday.  I want to know him more each second.  Help me with the power of your Holy Spirit to do this.  I want to be like Moses whose face shown each time he met with you.  I want others to see a difference in me and want what I have.  I want to care more about eternity and the souls of others than of myself.  If it means more pain and more trials so that I can deeply know you than I am ready.  I know my time here is so short that it is compared to a vapor so I want to use every moment I have.  I love you and thank you for choosing me even though I did nothing and could never do anything to deserve heaven and eternity with you.  Amen.

Is it safe?

As I have been going deeper in my relationship with the Lord, I have felt something holding me back.  So I have been praying, doing my quiet time, attending church, praying, singing worship songs....ya'll get the idea....and a few times I felt like I was on the verge of getting it.  But as I was getting ready to start my study today on Matt 11:25-30, what I had been looking, seeking, knocking on the door for, flooded into my heart so much that the tears are still on my face.  The conversation went / is going like this:  (The verses are about all who are weary to come to Christ and He will give you rest)

Me:  I am so tired Lord
Christ:  You are tired because you keep fighting....come to me and surrender yourself, your entire life, and you will have rest
Me:  I have been, haven't I?
Christ:  Maybe in some things but not in all....you are still hard hearted towards those I have placed in your life....those I want you to be an example to....to show my love to them through your kindness, your patience, your unconditional love for them
Me:  But that scares me
Christ:  Why?
Me:  Because they will hurt me and think they can walk all over me....don't I need to fight for myself, for my heart to stay unbroken?  Don't you see how they treat me Lord, how they hurt me?  Won't they then steal all the joy I have left?  Can't you just reach their hearts in a different way?  Use someone else?  Please...I can't do this!
Christ:  My sweet child....this is what is holding you back....(this is when I started sobbing)....you need to stop fighting and let go.  I have been enough for you in your past and I will be enough for you right now and in your future.  Don't you know how much I love you.  Do you think my love and my joy are not enough for you?  I promise joy and peace to those I love.  The more you give yourself to me the more you will see me, and the more you see me, the more you know me, and the more you know me, the more rest you will find...isn't that what you are wanting?  Love those I have given you with the love I have commanded (1 Corin 13).  Do you trust me in this?
Me:  Yes Lord....

"Lord, thank you for showing me my hard heart.  I want to jump in and love those around me with no hesitation.  But I can't, I can't love them without the help of your Holy Spirit in me.  Thank you for wanting to use me this way, even though it scares me.  Thank you that your love for me held you on a cross.  Amen."

End note:  I think it is crazy how God's timing is always so perfect.  I just finished a study on 1 Corin 13 last week.  It was absolutely amazing.  Here is the link if anyone is interested:  http://www.truthforlife.org/resources/series/love-in-the-local-church/

Perfectionism

This blog was meant to be a reminder to me, and hopefully as my children got older to them also, about all that God is doing.....but along the way I started to think that if everything I wrote wasn't "right" I shouldn't blog it.  See, I can be a perfectionist of myself.  But how silly is that?!  Of course I am going to be wrong....LOTS!  So once again I am back writing and sharing and making mistakes, but still pressing on so that I remember who God is and all that he is doing in me.  : )

I guess as an update I should say that I am still in this first flare up.  I have had more MRI's (2 spinal) and they do not show anymore inflammations, which is good.  So, my neurologist thinks that this one could be permanent.  Obviously I know that the Lord has the final say, but as crazy as this sounds, I have almost stopped praying for healing.  Not exactly sure why?  Maybe I have realized that my struggle might not be believing God can heal, cuz I do, but maybe I need to learn that through pain and through suffering God is enough to not only get me thru the day but bring me joy and peace.  For me, that truth is the hardest!

Mentally, I have been tired....really tired.  Some days I just want to stay in bed under the covers and sleep until this pain goes away.  It is a challenge daily to take all thoughts captive and give them to Christ.  I know that our Saviour calls us to come to him for rest and that promise is one I cling to.

As I push on towards the goal of eternity I am thankful that I am never alone and that there is always grace for me as I make mistakes, and while on this earth,  am never perfect!