I started this blog to journal my journey with MS but also to encourage others who may or may not have an illness. I haven't posted in a long time because I think I wanted to only post how great I was doing and feeling. But the reality is that there are days I am not doing well. On those days I didn't want to whine and complain so I didn't write then either. But I believe that I am suppose to continue this blog..... so I am going to post as often as time allows.
Right now I am truthfully broken. I had another relapse last Friday and that is always followed by steroids, insomnia, and then some illness. Right now it feels like the flu. The worst part of this relapse is/was my mental state. I felt like quitting, but how? I can't just leave my body on the side of the road! I felt/feel useless.
I think we have all felt that way. What do I have to offer? What am I good at? I came to Christ insecure and ashamed of my past. Over time He showed me I was a new creation. I had gifts and there was great joy in using them to bless others. And I did use them, and I did have joy in it. But what about now I keep asking?
How can this broken body serve anyone? I am unreliable and barely have the strength some days to just care for my family. After three years why can't I have it together? These questions and doubts have been raging a war in my head for months now. And after that last relapse I just broke.....
I want to share that I am on the other side and that I have this great come back story but right now I don't. God is bringing me up out of this pit, but it has been slow and painful but this is where my faith comes in.
If you are hurting, struggling, doubting....I beg you to cry out for Christ. He will help you! Also allow others to love you.... don't hide out like I do... it only makes the pit deeper!
Dear friend, how I've missed you! There has been times I have yelled at God and times I have yelled out for him. He is a mighty God and it is sometimes hard to see Him in the midst of pain.
ReplyDeleteJohn is suffering indescribable pains and heartbreak. We have yet to get any diagnosis, other than a upper motor neuron disease. What kind, we have no clue. There are days when he can't get out of bed, but like you, does. He suffers through each day and tries to make it manageable but most days they are not. I do not understand why I have to watch my love one suffer and hurt so much. I have faith that God will heal him but it can still be hard.
You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met, we were only friends for a short time but you have placed something on my heart where im constantly thinking of you and your family.
I pray for healing Jamie, I pray for God's mighty LOVING hands to heal you. And I pray for peace of mind, as I know that is one of Johns biggest struggle. When people can't see your sickness, its hard to allow them to truly see how sick you are. Rest assure, the people who love you know, God knows! You are loved!!