I did it!!

WOOHOO!  I did it!  Did what?  I ran 1 mile!!  Ok...no big deal, right?!  Well for me it is.  : )  As you may or may not know....before I got sick I was training for a 1/2 marathon.  About 3 weeks ago I gave it up....I thought there is no way I can run this....and everyone around me agreed.  BUT, I don't believe that was God's plan.  So last Sunday, at our small group, we were all praying and no joke I hear this small voice tell me, "Run the marathon."  What?!?!  See, from the beginning I knew I needed God's strength to make it across that finish line.  I had not run in probably 12 years!  But every time I wanted to quit, I would remember why I was running....I was running to gain self control (in all areas of my life) and to not give up on my parenting (it was a little crazy in my house at that time).  It is not any different now, but yet it is.  Now, there is NO way I can cross that finish line without God.  ALL the odds are stacked up against me.....pain in my feet that can be unbearable, numbness that causes me to be wobbly, feeling vomity (not a word, but I am using it!), I am not supposed to be overheated or stressed, and did I mention I haven't run in like 5 weeks!  (Side note....this totally upsets my mother.....when you get sick you become a little girl again in your mommy's eyes and she becomes the mama bear....I love you mommy!!)  But with God all that doesn't matter......IF it is His will for me to cross that finish line for His glory I will!  : )  So I need lots of prayer....the race is this Saturday, May 5th, in Indianapolis.  We leave Friday morning and get back Saturday evening.  I always thought I would cry when I finished, but now I think I will weep like a baby!  These lyrics keep running through my mind which kind of sums this all up, "I may be weak...but your Spirit's strong in me.  And my flesh may fail...but my God he never will!"

What If? So What?

I wanted to share something that I learned (and have not mastered) early in this "sickness."  As you may remember everything happened so fast....like a 24 hour turnaround!  So it was probably the 3rd day that I started freaking out.  On the 1st day, I didn't really even know what MS was, so when my Dr. said this could be the beginning of MS I was really calm.....I don't think I even knew what MS stood for!  Then on the 2nd day, I had my first steriod infusion and felt so horrible that was all I could think about.  The next day...the 3rd day...I went on my computer and looked up MS.  That was when the panick started creeping in. : )  So I was sitting on my bed and all the "what ifs" started.   What if this never goes away?  What if I do have MS?  What if I go into a wheelchair?  What if I go blind?  What if I die early?  What if Matt doesn't love me anymore?  What if I embarrass my children?  What if I have to wear depends because I can't control myself?  What if I never leave this room again?  And I am sure there more!  And then that's when I heard it.......So what?  So what if all these things do happen?  Does that mean I love you any less?  Does that mean you are any less of my child?  Does that mean I have left you or would ever leave you?  Does that mean my Son didn't die for you?  Does that mean I still don't have a plan for your life?  My fears went away that day.....and my "what if" changed to a "so what."  But remember I have yet to master this!  : ) 

Charles Spurgeon

As I was reading a bible study this morning there was a little part of a sermon given by Charles Spurgeon.  I just thought it was great and wanted to share it:  "When the Lord finds a saint whom He loves---loves much---He may spare other men trials and troubles, but He certainly will not this well-loved one.  The more beloved you are the more of the rod you shall have...It is an awful thing to be a favorite of heaven.  It is a thing to be sought after and to be rejoiced in, but remember, to be one of the King's council-chamber is a thing involving such work for faith that flesh and blood might shrink from the painful blessing...Sometimes when we plead for our adverse circumstances to change, God simply makes us content where we are.  Many saints have found riches in poverty, ease in labor, rest in pain, and delight in affliction.  Our Lord can so adapt our minds our circumstances, that the bitter is sweet, and the burden is light."  What is left to say except Amen!

Dr. Visit

Here is my medical update from my dr. visit yesterday.  It is kind of a three part thing.  Part one:  My spinal MRI.  He showed me the part on my spine that was inflamed.  He said normally the steroid treatments I received stop the inflammation and within a few days the flare up ends.  But obviously that is not my case.  So, we will wait another week.  If the pain is still there then we will schedule another MRI to make sure the inflammation is gone....if not we have to address that or else the pain will not away.  If there is no inflammation then this flare up has cause severe nerve damage and I am looking at a 6-12 month recovery from this flare up.  Part two:  My brain MRI.  I have a small spot that kind of glows in my brain.  Where it is located could be normal.  So in 6 months I will have another brain MRI to see if this spot has grown or if there are more spots showing.  If so then this is MS and we will start a treatment plan after that.  Part three:  MS.  Since this is one flare up it is not technically MS.  He said 50% of people who have MS will have their 2nd flare up within 2 years.  So we wait.  He told me the commonly attacked places on your body for flares up are your legs, arms, lose of control of your bowels and bladder and blindness.  So I ask if I go blind will I see again?  He said most people regain sight (not always back to the same degree) but as with any flare up with MS there is always the possibility of it being permanent.   So there it is....my medical update.  But like always....God has the final say with me!  : )

How Real?

So I have been avoiding this post all day.  I could say I don't know why but I do.  In the beginning I said I wanted to be real....to be honest about all I was learning and what my struggles were.  How easy that is to say when things are going good, right?  When you feel a peace and a joy you think is never going to leave or fade and no matter what, you are going to have a "great" attitude.  Cuz you kinda think "I can't really be broken anymore can I?"  "This has to be as bad as it's going to get?"  Well I thought all that until yesterday.  Yesterday was by far the worst day yet.  I have never felt the pain I felt yesterday.  It is almost indescribable.  Of course I had people around helping me so the smile stayed on my face....isn't that how it is....in front of people you just smile.  Then everyone goes home, or in your own home goes to bed and you are alone....no one around to smile in front of.  Then you are just left with pain...pain that isn't going away....pain that feels like the skin of your feet are being ripped off and fire is burning them and someone is pouring gasoline over them....and the pain keeps moving up your legs and you scream in your head "IS THIS EVER GOING TO STOP!!"  And then I lost it!  Sobbing I cried out to the Lord......"Please heal me.....please heal me....please heal me....I can't do this....I can't do this....I can't be stuck in this house any longer......I can't not walk my children to school on a beautiful morning....I am not strong enough for this.....I am not strong enough....."  And He said softly, "I know you are not....but I already told you I am....did you forget?"  My sobbing didn't stop....my pain didn't stop....but the words in my head slowly changed.....I started crying out "I just want Your will" over and over.  I wish I could say I went to bed last night joyful and peaceful and pain free....but that didn't happen.  I went to bed more broken then I have ever been in my life....realizing again how weak I really am.  Do I want to be healed?  I do!  But do I want His will more even if it means never being healed?  Yes I do....because I know I will be healed one day even if it's not here on earth.

My prayer today

After a pretty rough morning I sat down to read my bible and these verses just became my prayer for today: "Bend down,O Lord, and hear my prayer; answer me for I need your help. Protect me, for I am devoted to you. Save me, for I serve you and trust you. You are my God. Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am calling on you constantly. I will call to you whenever I'm in trouble, and you will answer me. For you are great and perform wonderful deeds. You alone are God. Teach me your ways, O Lord, that I may live according to your truth! Grant me purity of heart, so that I may honor you. With all my heart I will praise you, O Lord my God. I will give glory to your name forever." Psalm 86: 1-3,7,10-12

Yellow Box Sandals

What in the world are yellow box sandals some may be asking. For me right now they are the biggest blessing. I am so thankful for them. They are the MOST comfortable shoes and they are the ONLY shoes I can wear right now! I want to thank my dear friend Lizzy in Texas who introduced me to this fabulous footwear! Who would of known they would turn out to be such blessing to me?!?! For those of you who can buy them (which in Iowa is next to impossible) I somewhat envy you. : ) They are worth every penny....your feet with thank you because I know mine do!!!!

Here is a link to where you view/order the flip-flops: Yellow Box Flip Flops