Journal entries

Not sure why I want to share my last weeks journal entries. I think because in doing so I want to be honest about my weaknesses and not be ashamed that I am not perfect and have it all together. I don't want my pride to be my biggest downfall. God says His strength is shown through our weaknesses and I want to trust in that. Also God has just given me some amazing verses to memorize and I will add them in as I did in my entries if ya'll wanna look them up! : ) Apr 8th Lord we need to be diligently teaching our children about you. Lord change our hearts and the hearts of our children so that we will love you with all our hearts and souls. (Deut. 30:6) Let us always seek you first and store our treasures in heaven so that the desires of our hearts will be with you. (Luke 12:31&34) Help me not to be afraid or discouraged knowing that you go before me and will never fail or abandon me. (Deut 31:8) Allow me to have joy in my trials so that I will develope perseverance and become complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4) Shine light in my entire life Lord so that I would have no corners and my life would be radiant for you. (Luke 11:36) Apr 9th Thank you Lord for your words and your faithfulness. Heal me from this pain Lord if it's your will. If not, allow me to stand firm on your promises. To trust that this is all for my benefit. That you promise to work all things out for my good. (Rom 8:28) That you give me all I need at all times and that I will finish this race of my life well. (2 Corin 9:8) Apr 11th Help me remember to be humble, to only boast in you and all that you are. I want to be your disciple taking up my cross and following you. Apr 12th Thank you for your peace and your promises. TRUTH - The Lord wants me to walk in his strength! Pray more boldly and have the faith that God can do it! Apr 13th I am anxious in not knowing what to do. I don't want to be lazy but I know I have to slow down as God is directing me. Teach me Lord to number my days, to give every second of every minute to you. (Ps 90:12) The more I learn the more unworthy I feel. God you are so big. I want to be completely sold out for you! Apr 14th Joshua 9:14 "So the Isrealites examined their food, but they didn't consult the Lord" (you might need to read back a bit in Joshua to fully get this verse) How many times Lord do I "examine" something and lean on my own understanding and not consult you?! (Prov 3:5) Forgive me and forgive me for how I drag others down in my sin when I do this.

My Song

So I promise this is the last post for today....maybe this is why I never blogged before...cuz I never stop!  : )  This is really my song right now and I wanted to share it....it really says everything I feel right now but they sound so much better singing it than me!!

1st Email

I thought today I would also just copy the 1st email I sent out because I know I didn't have everyone's email and that way ya'll who didn't get the email can read it now.   Plus I think it will clear up my blog name a little better!  : ) 

So with some urging of an unnamed friend I am sitting down to write ya'll this email. For a few a you it is an update and for the others I know you are probably wondering what I need to update you about! So to get everyone on the same page I will start at the beginning...

In early January I started training for a half marathon that is going to be May 5th. We started slow and had worked our way up to 10 miles. It was awesome! I had no pains (except for an annoying butt cramp once!) and great shoes and was VERY excited about this run. About 3 to 3 1/2 weeks ago, on an off running day, the bottom of my feet felt weird. It was like a sock was bunched up and I was walking on it. I kept looking at my feet thinking maybe I stepped on something, was there a blister, were they swollen....I changed socks a couple of times, but it did't go away. It wasn't painful just annoying. The next day the same and then there started to be some tingling in my feet and like a numbness on my feet. For a few days this tingling numbness feeling kept moving up my legs to about my knees....and then the pain came. It hurt to walk. So I kinda hobbled around and after 2 weeks of this another friend said you need to see a podiatrist. I got three different names and called to see who could get me in first. This was on a Monday (two weeks ago from this coming Monday) and they could get me in on Wednesday.

I went on Wed and she looked at my feet thinking I might have high arches...flat feet...things like that. But the crazy thing is I have great formed feet. Nothing looks wrong on the outside. That is probably the most annoying when you can't see anything wrong. By then they were so painful to touch and she gave me a steriod pack saying by this evening you should feel relief and if not by Friday call back. As I am sure ya'll can guess no relief....so Friday morning I called back and they got be scheduled for that morning. They said that Dr. Smith (the podiatrist) wanted me to be seen today. Ok...weird but I went anyway. I get there and Dr Short (the neurologist) said he needed to run some testing on my nerves in my legs and feet to see where the issues were. So basically I had to have a test where they send electrical currents down your leg....can you say ouch!!! Then they stick small needles in your legs and feet to check your muscle response. By then I think I was getting a little emotional and was wondering what in the world was going on. He said those tests were great so they needed to get me a MRI of my spine now. Once again I was confussed. He explained that whatever was happening was up higher in my spinal cord and that this could be the beginning of MS. Yep...MS.

I set there by myself wishing I would of brought someone with me. So he set up the MRI and some blood work because I could be low on some important vitamins and that could be the cause also. (fyi...all blood work came back great) That evening I went for the MRI and went home and basically prayed and prayed and prayed. I couldn't sleep so at about 3 am I just started reading my bible. A peace like no other came over me and I knew no matter what I was going to be ok. On Saturday morning at 6:45 the dr called and said they did find an abnormality in my spine and I needed to come in that morning at 9 and start my steriod infusion. So that is what we did....three days of 2 hr long infusion. They burned quite a bit going in the first 2 days. Saturday morning was the hardest. I think I was just so shocked that one morning I am at a podiatrist and the next morning I am hooked to an IV for two hours. I got so sick that I was throwing up before she could get the IV started. I actually laid my head on the toilet seat of the bathroom at the hospital cuz I felt so ill!

Matt has been awesome through all of this. He keeps reminding me no matter what he loves me, is here for me, and we will figure everything out and that we will get through this together. The kiddos handled it well after we explained that I most likely was not going to die quickly or even die from this. They have said they are a little scared I won't be able to play with them like before but everyday we have been asking them to think of something good that has happened and remind them that God works all things out for our good.

On Tuesday I started some other high dose meds and pain relievers but still no relief from the pain. Dr. Short then ordered a MRI of my brain to check for some lacerations in my brain to see if this would be a slow or fast moving disease. I went in yesterday and they said my brain looked good and there was only a small questionable spot that they were hopeful wouldn't effect me. Praise GOD!!!!

So here is where we are now and where I am asking you to pray for me. I don't technically have MS unless you have more than one "flare up" because the M stands for multiple. So pray this will be it and never happen again. Also please pray that this flare up will end. My body from my feet thru my lower back feel like they are on fire. As of Friday I can't drive anymore and I can barely leave my bed. The doctors are trying me out on different medicines but so far no relief. The new meds come with some side effects like dizziness, blurred vision, and feeling like I am in a constant fog. I asked them if this was going to go away but they said they can't tell me that. MS looks different in everyone and follows no pattern.

I don't want to end this email though without saying a few other things. God is so good. He has brought scripture to me that has comforted me like I have never known. He is in me, beside me and with me every minute of every day. I am in love with our Lord with my entire heart. He has surrounded our family thru others prayers and brought us a joy and peace this past week that can only be from His Spirit. The pain I hope to lose but what we have learned never. I can honestly say if I have to keep this pain to stay on my knees where I am supposed to be then I want to keep it. My ultimate prayer is that I want to do this well.

I love each of you and thank you for praying for me and my family!!!

Why now?

When we moved to San Antonio, Texas 4 years ago I thought about started a blog....but I didn't.  Then when we moved from Texas to Iowa last year I once again thought about starting a blog....but I didn't.  So why now?  Because I want to remember....I want my children to remember....remember everything the Lord is teaching us right now and in the days to come.  That is what the Lord commands us to do.  In Deuteronomy 6:5-12, we are told to love the Lord with all our hearts, soul, and strength.  We are to teach our children His commandments and impress them upon their hearts by talking about Him and His goodness at all times....sitting at home, walking down the road, first thing in the morning, and the last thing at night.  (Maybe today it would of also added "and blog about it"?!)  Then it goes on to say that after all these great things God has promised happens... be careful not to forget!  Do not forget it was the Lord who did all this all for you...not you!  How many times I think I am not like the Isrealites who forgot all God did....I mean they saw the Red Sea part....what more do you want?!  But I am the same!  So I want to use this blog to remember all God is doing.  I want my children to have something to help them remember and for anyone else who wants to read.  : )