As I have been going deeper in my relationship with the Lord, I have felt something holding me back. So I have been praying, doing my quiet time, attending church, praying, singing worship songs....ya'll get the idea....and a few times I felt like I was on the verge of getting it. But as I was getting ready to start my study today on Matt 11:25-30, what I had been looking, seeking, knocking on the door for, flooded into my heart so much that the tears are still on my face. The conversation went / is going like this: (The verses are about all who are weary to come to Christ and He will give you rest)
Me: I am so tired Lord
Christ: You are tired because you keep fighting....come to me and surrender yourself, your entire life, and you will have rest
Me: I have been, haven't I?
Christ: Maybe in some things but not in all....you are still hard hearted towards those I have placed in your life....those I want you to be an example to....to show my love to them through your kindness, your patience, your unconditional love for them
Me: But that scares me
Me: Because they will hurt me and think they can walk all over me....don't I need to fight for myself, for my heart to stay unbroken? Don't you see how they treat me Lord, how they hurt me? Won't they then steal all the joy I have left? Can't you just reach their hearts in a different way? Use someone else? Please...I can't do this!
Christ: My sweet child....this is what is holding you back....(this is when I started sobbing)....you need to stop fighting and let go. I have been enough for you in your past and I will be enough for you right now and in your future. Don't you know how much I love you. Do you think my love and my joy are not enough for you? I promise joy and peace to those I love. The more you give yourself to me the more you will see me, and the more you see me, the more you know me, and the more you know me, the more rest you will find...isn't that what you are wanting? Love those I have given you with the love I have commanded (1 Corin 13). Do you trust me in this?
Me: Yes Lord....
"Lord, thank you for showing me my hard heart. I want to jump in and love those around me with no hesitation. But I can't, I can't love them without the help of your Holy Spirit in me. Thank you for wanting to use me this way, even though it scares me. Thank you that your love for me held you on a cross. Amen."
End note: I think it is crazy how God's timing is always so perfect. I just finished a study on 1 Corin 13 last week. It was absolutely amazing. Here is the link if anyone is interested: http://www.truthforlife.org/resources/series/love-in-the-local-church/