Saturday, September 29, 2012

A Constant Battle

I know there is a battle raging inside of me.  It is between the Holy Spirit and my sinful nature.  And if I was truthful I would have to say my sinful nature wins more than I like.  This is not an excuse but it is like the pain meds I am on supply my sinful nature with more ammo.  There are times I don't know how to control what is going on inside of me.  I know that the Holy Spirit is stronger and more powerful and that I can overcome all things with the Lord's strength in me.....but it has been super hard!

     "So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives.  Then you won't be doing what your sinful nature craves.  The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants.  And the Spirit gives us desires that are opposite of what the sinful nature desires.  These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions.  But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses.
     When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these.  Let me tell you again, as I have said before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. 
     But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives:  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  There is no law against these things.
     Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there.  Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit's leading in every part of our lives.  Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another."                               Galatians 5: 16-26

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Forgive me

Lord forgive me.....

- for thinking I somehow "deserve" to be healed
- that I don't honor my wonderful husband as I should....he is always so kind to me....I truly don't deserve him
- that I am not as good of a friend as I could be....I am just surrounded by people who care for me
- that I complain to much and I know lately have not been great to be around

Lord, allow those I have hurt recently to be able to forgive me, and help me to be more mindful of others and not think of myself so often!

My sweet sister-in-law sent me this is awesome....thanks Mel for thinking of me!  : )

Friday, September 21, 2012

A Few Updates : )

This is going to be a short little post about some medical things.  One, not sure if I mentioned this before, but I am only going gluten free right now.  I lasted one week of both gluten and dairy free and by the end I was VERY hungry!  : ) 

I also have my follow-up brain MRI on Oct 3rd.  This is to see if I have any MS lesions in my obviously I am hoping for a clear picture!  This is also the day I get to go crazy with gluten.  Olive Garden, Panera,  Texas Roadhouse rolls, pizza (with gluten) I come!!!

Also mentally I feel spent.  I know I have only been dealing with this for about 6 months and this is NOTHING compared to others, but I feel forgotten by God.  If ya'll wanna know the truth, I am starting to feel like this is exactly what I deserve.  That because of the sin in my life, how could I possibly expect anything else.  I KNOW I sound ridiculous, but like I said this is my "feelings."

This isn't to be mean, but please no one make a comment to this post.  I don't want any Christian "pick me ups."  : )  I am just at a low and I know eventually God will pull me up.

What I really want though is a friend.  I know I have friends here but I mean someone who I literally see.  Not someone I talk to on the phone, or email, or text, or facebook....someone who makes time to see me face to face.  I know, I know, I am soooo old school!  : )

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Learning through affliction

"Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word"    Psalm 119:67

A little story from the past:

Finding out we were having our 5th child (at age 26) wasn't super great.  Not that we didn't want more children, it was just the timing wasn't wonderful.  Our twins were not even one year old, AND my husband had just left for Iraq for one year.  Did I mention our other two children were only 5 and 3?! 

I was talking to a friend of mine, before I knew I was pregnant, and she said, "I think God is going to teach you how to accept help while Matt is gone."  I was thinking no way!  I had always been the one who helped others and why would Matt being gone make this any different?  They next day I wasn't feeling so great and then the next day, not so feeling so great again, I got this idea to take a pregnancy test.  And to my surprise it was positive!  I called my friend back and jokingly blamed her for me being pregnant.  But, I still thought I was not going to need help.  I am sure you can figure out by now I was going to be wrong.  : )

I was not just a little wrong though.  To make a long story short, I was hospitalized 3 times and in the ER probably 5 times.  I had to move back in with my parents for a few weeks and my doctor even sent a Red Cross message to my husband's commander asking for him to come home (they said no).  After moving back home I had women from my church, who I didn't know, coming to care for my other 4 children because I was physically unable to.  I had people doing my laundry, taking car of my oil changes, and shoveling my driveway.  I stayed this way until I was about 22 weeks into my pregnancy! 

As crazy as this may sound, I still was not taking help from others well.  I couldn't wait to get better so that I could pay them all back somehow.  Talk about being prideful!  I was in the hospital for the 3rd time, still not feeling better, and I remember I just started crying and I said, out loud, "Alright I will accept help and be thankful for it."  I am not joking, but after I said that, and actually meant it, it felt like I was being rocked back and forth and I instantly felt better. 

Now I would like to say that I learned a lesson about pride and being thankful for others who want to help me out, and even just about slowing down....but it seems like I am right there again.  It is so hard to be sick.  I feel like I have to keep proving that I am worth something by pushing myself everyday.  I am embarrassed to ask for help and I feel like a burden to those around me.  Why can't I just learn and not have to relearn again and again?

I have no answer for my questions.  I just read this verse and it was just so true for me and has been probably my whole life.  It reminds me to be thankful for being sick.  It reminds me that when I am not, I go my own way.  I become prideful and I race around doing the unimportant instead of what matters and what will last in eternity. 

Thank you Lord that you don't leave me where I am.  That you afflict me so that I will come back to you and to your word.  I want to be obedient in my walk with you!

Monday, September 3, 2012

Longing for home

Isn't it awesome when scripture says exactly how you feel....but usually SO much better!  : )

"For our present troubles are small and won't last very long.  Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!  So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. 
For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands.  We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing.  For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies.  While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it's not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us.  Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life.  God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given up his Holy Spirit.
So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord.  For we live by believing and not by seeing.  Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord."

2 Corinthians 4:17 - 5:8