Friday, October 26, 2012

Losing the anger

Anger is such an issue in my home.  I see it in me and in my children.  So this week we have been talking about anger in our family devotions.  Like I have said before this blog is for me....for me to remember what God is showing me.  And right now it is about the issue of anger.

We have been reading in James.  And James 1:19 reads, "My dear brothers, take note of this:  Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry..."  That has been our memory verse this week.  We all know the saying: "God gave us one mouth and two ears, because he wants us to listen more than we talk."  It is so hard not to speak.  I see my 8 yr old struggle with this.  His favorite saying is, "But mom..."  As I am correcting him, it is like the finger should be pointing back at me.  I am constantly saying, "But God..."  But God, why are my children fighting....But God, why isn't my husband talking more to me.....and the list goes on and on.  I don't want to just listen, I want to be listened to.  I want to be understood....because then everyone would know I am right, right?!  But being understood and everyone agreeing with me are two different things.  As I told my children in the car this morning....If I put a bowl of broccoli in the middle of this car do ya'll understand this is broccoli....they all said yes....then I said but do we all agree it tastes good....and as you can imagine I got a couple of no's!  : )  I told my son today.....Son, I understand exactly what happened with your sister, BUT I don't agree with how you handled it. 

We have also been talking about being slow to become angry.  One reason we get angry is because of our "rights."  I have the right to be listened to....the right to tell my children what to do....the right to eat my breakfast in silence....and that list goes on and on also.  My only "right" is hell and an eternity separated from God.  Nothing more.  But our Savior came and died to give me the privilege of heaven.

Another reason we quickly get angry is our selfishness.  We don't want to put someone else's needs first or let them get something better, so we get angry.  My children don't want their sibling to get to pick out the movie, or go first in a game, or have the last packet of mini muffins.  But I am the same.  I can get angry if I think Matt gets more time to himself than I do, or if my children interrupt my movie time.  I am SO very thankful that Christ put me before himself when he DIED on the cross.....and I don't think I can pause my movie.....seriously?!

We have also been talking about Proverbs 15:1, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."  How hard it is for us to not try to get the last word, or strike back in our anger.  But the Lord gave me a great example for my children as I was ironing my daughters pants.  So I ask them, "How long does it take for an iron to heat up?"  "Not long," they answer.  Then I ask, "How long does it take to cool down?"  They understood where I was heading because they didn't answer right away.  : )  That is what happens when we stir up anger.....things around us do not cool down very quickly!

I am so thankful that the Holy Spirit helps us with our anger.....if we let him.  I am also thankful that He is working in the hearts of my children, so that we can become different than the world around us.....we can put others before ourselves, give up our so called rights, and have gentle answers.  This is not to "look good" but to point others to Christ. 

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Is God Good?

That is the million dollar least for me.....and that God good?  Not just good when I am laughing with my kids....or Matt and I are on an amazing date together...or my house is clean and all the laundry done...or whatever else makes me "happy."  Is God good when the house is a mess, laundry is all over the floor, Matt is at work, the kids are yelling at each other, and my feet are on fire....and all this at the same time.  Is God good?

I realized I have to make a choice to believe he either is or isn't.  It really comes down to one or the other.  And it doesn't matter what my circumstances are.  I think for the past few weeks I really doubted if he was.  Because if I believe he is good than I have to believe that having MS is what is best for me.  What?! 

What is so great is that God doesn't tell us to figure it out and get it all together and then come find him.  He is big enough to handle our questions and our doubts.  He never leaves us.  If we are Christians then his Spirit lives in us.  I know it was the Holy Spirit in me that helped me answer this important question.

Yesterday it was like a switch in my heart was turned on.  And it wasn't because anything around me changed.  The answer to this question is so perfectly clear now.  I KNOW that God is good.  That having MS is best, even though right now I may not know exactly why.  That doesn't matter.  Because I know God is good, I can fully and completely trust him.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Stake in the Ground

Well the results of my MRI are this....the questionable spot in my brain is in fact a MS lesion.  So there it is.  No more guessing.  The good news is that my brain was not full of them.  I really struggled with this all last week (which is why I didn't post anything).  I am not sure why....I guess I was still hoping I wouldn't have MS.  That this was just a fluke thing.  I felt angry, hopeless, my friend said to me it was like I was grieving.  And I think I was grieving.....grieving a life I know I will never go back to.  I was angry that my youngest would probably only know me as this sick mom.  I felt hopeless thinking that God has left me and I had no idea where to go next.  I was scared that this pain would never go away and that there is more pain to come.  I felt as if I was going to become such a burden to my family.  All of this was going through my head on top of being one of the most painful weeks I have had lately.

So where am I now?  Well, as of today, I am placing a stake in the ground.  Instead of mourning my old life I am going to be excited for this new life.  God promises he will never leave me or forsake me and I am going to hold on tightly to that promise.  If I continue to look back I am going to miss what is ahead....and I don't want to do that.  I may not be able to plan like I used to or "go" like I used to but I can do one very important thing....I can live each day on my knees before the Lord, relying on his strength to make it through whatever that day brings! 


Tuesday, October 16, 2012


I will update on the "medical" things probably tomorrow.  I have a dr appt today that I hope will clear up my questions and then I can post the answers I get.  : )

But the "Questions" title I have for this post is not about my questions to the dr today, it is about the questions I have been asking myself the past few days.  I am doing a bible study right now called "Stuck" by Jennie Allen.  Isn't it amazing how God leads you to exactly what you need when you need it?  Could that be why He is God?!  : )  I have been wrestling with myself lately and especially since I have had some of the worst "sick" days yet.  I know I need to slow down but I don't.  Instead I take more pain meds and keep charging ahead until I have a day like I did Saturday.  A day where I am throwing up or so nauseous I can't leave my bed and have the pain that can't be controlled by meds.  I think sometimes it is because I can be a perfectionist and can't just sit and relax and give my body the rest it really needs. 

Ok, so back to the questions.  Here is where this situation and others in my life all kinda come together.  Please remember MY brain can be everywhere so this may not make sense to all!  : )  I think I will just write the verses that have stuck out to me in this study so far and then the questions that have been swimming in my head.  I am not going to answer them, just so you know, I am just writing them down so I don't forget the areas God is challenging me right now.

"Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven - for she loved much.  But he who is forgiven little, loves little."                                       Luke 7:47

Thoughts and questions:  If I am not showing much love, than maybe I think I have only been OR need little forgiveness, but the truth is that I need LOTS of forgiveness and grace!  So why am I not full of love towards others?  Why do I walk around not having a smile on my face and almost rude to those around me?  Why am I quick to point out others faults or somehow think that I am above any sin known to man?  As if I could never make the mistakes they have? 

"To keep me from becoming conceited....there was given to me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."                                      2 Corinthians 12:7-12

Thoughts and questions:  Do I really want to be weak?  Or do I want to be strong in my own way and my own strength.  I struggle looking "weak" by the world's standards.  Even in the Christian circle.  Does being a Christian make me perfect all of the sudden?  Shouldn't it make me more humble?  Less self-reliant?  Shouldn't I want to get out of the way?  Shouldn't I be more ready to admit my faults and failures because I know I am forgiven?

I think one of the reasons God has chosen not to heal me yet is that I have SO MUCH more to learn!!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Big Day

So today is a big day (medically) for me.  I have my 2nd brain MRI this morning at 9.  It will show if I have any MS brain lesions.  If I do, then obviously I for sure have MS and it turns into a waiting game for the rest of my life.  Not sure what it means if I don't.  Of course I want it to be clear but I don't know if that means for sure I don't have MS.  I don't know if they have to do another one in 6 months before they would give me the "ok."  I have a dr appt Oct 16th to talk about the next steps, but they said they will call me today or tomorrow with the results!  Please pray for me.  One that it would be clear, but I think more importantly that I would have a peace no matter what. 

"Lord, thank you that you already know the outcome of this MRI.  Help me, by the power of your Holy Spirit, to have a peace that passes all understanding.  I know that you are good always and are able to make all things turn out for the good of those who trust in you.  Help me Lord with my unbelief.  Help me take all my thoughts captive to you.  Thoughts like you have forgotten me, or don't care for me......I know those are lies but I need your help to let them go.  I love you Lord.  Amen."