Sunday, April 29, 2012

I did it!!

WOOHOO!  I did it!  Did what?  I ran 1 mile!! big deal, right?!  Well for me it is.  : )  As you may or may not know....before I got sick I was training for a 1/2 marathon.  About 3 weeks ago I gave it up....I thought there is no way I can run this....and everyone around me agreed.  BUT, I don't believe that was God's plan.  So last Sunday, at our small group, we were all praying and no joke I hear this small voice tell me, "Run the marathon."  What?!?!  See, from the beginning I knew I needed God's strength to make it across that finish line.  I had not run in probably 12 years!  But every time I wanted to quit, I would remember why I was running....I was running to gain self control (in all areas of my life) and to not give up on my parenting (it was a little crazy in my house at that time).  It is not any different now, but yet it is.  Now, there is NO way I can cross that finish line without God.  ALL the odds are stacked up against me.....pain in my feet that can be unbearable, numbness that causes me to be wobbly, feeling vomity (not a word, but I am using it!), I am not supposed to be overheated or stressed, and did I mention I haven't run in like 5 weeks!  (Side note....this totally upsets my mother.....when you get sick you become a little girl again in your mommy's eyes and she becomes the mama bear....I love you mommy!!)  But with God all that doesn't matter......IF it is His will for me to cross that finish line for His glory I will!  : )  So I need lots of prayer....the race is this Saturday, May 5th, in Indianapolis.  We leave Friday morning and get back Saturday evening.  I always thought I would cry when I finished, but now I think I will weep like a baby!  These lyrics keep running through my mind which kind of sums this all up, "I may be weak...but your Spirit's strong in me.  And my flesh may fail...but my God he never will!"

Friday, April 27, 2012

What If? So What?

I wanted to share something that I learned (and have not mastered) early in this "sickness."  As you may remember everything happened so a 24 hour turnaround!  So it was probably the 3rd day that I started freaking out.  On the 1st day, I didn't really even know what MS was, so when my Dr. said this could be the beginning of MS I was really calm.....I don't think I even knew what MS stood for!  Then on the 2nd day, I had my first steriod infusion and felt so horrible that was all I could think about.  The next day...the 3rd day...I went on my computer and looked up MS.  That was when the panick started creeping in. : )  So I was sitting on my bed and all the "what ifs" started.   What if this never goes away?  What if I do have MS?  What if I go into a wheelchair?  What if I go blind?  What if I die early?  What if Matt doesn't love me anymore?  What if I embarrass my children?  What if I have to wear depends because I can't control myself?  What if I never leave this room again?  And I am sure there more!  And then that's when I heard it.......So what?  So what if all these things do happen?  Does that mean I love you any less?  Does that mean you are any less of my child?  Does that mean I have left you or would ever leave you?  Does that mean my Son didn't die for you?  Does that mean I still don't have a plan for your life?  My fears went away that day.....and my "what if" changed to a "so what."  But remember I have yet to master this!  : ) 

Monday, April 23, 2012

Charles Spurgeon

As I was reading a bible study this morning there was a little part of a sermon given by Charles Spurgeon.  I just thought it was great and wanted to share it:  "When the Lord finds a saint whom He loves---loves much---He may spare other men trials and troubles, but He certainly will not this well-loved one.  The more beloved you are the more of the rod you shall have...It is an awful thing to be a favorite of heaven.  It is a thing to be sought after and to be rejoiced in, but remember, to be one of the King's council-chamber is a thing involving such work for faith that flesh and blood might shrink from the painful blessing...Sometimes when we plead for our adverse circumstances to change, God simply makes us content where we are.  Many saints have found riches in poverty, ease in labor, rest in pain, and delight in affliction.  Our Lord can so adapt our minds our circumstances, that the bitter is sweet, and the burden is light."  What is left to say except Amen!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Dr. Visit

Here is my medical update from my dr. visit yesterday.  It is kind of a three part thing.  Part one:  My spinal MRI.  He showed me the part on my spine that was inflamed.  He said normally the steroid treatments I received stop the inflammation and within a few days the flare up ends.  But obviously that is not my case.  So, we will wait another week.  If the pain is still there then we will schedule another MRI to make sure the inflammation is gone....if not we have to address that or else the pain will not away.  If there is no inflammation then this flare up has cause severe nerve damage and I am looking at a 6-12 month recovery from this flare up.  Part two:  My brain MRI.  I have a small spot that kind of glows in my brain.  Where it is located could be normal.  So in 6 months I will have another brain MRI to see if this spot has grown or if there are more spots showing.  If so then this is MS and we will start a treatment plan after that.  Part three:  MS.  Since this is one flare up it is not technically MS.  He said 50% of people who have MS will have their 2nd flare up within 2 years.  So we wait.  He told me the commonly attacked places on your body for flares up are your legs, arms, lose of control of your bowels and bladder and blindness.  So I ask if I go blind will I see again?  He said most people regain sight (not always back to the same degree) but as with any flare up with MS there is always the possibility of it being permanent.   So there it medical update.  But like always....God has the final say with me!  : )

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

How Real?

So I have been avoiding this post all day.  I could say I don't know why but I do.  In the beginning I said I wanted to be be honest about all I was learning and what my struggles were.  How easy that is to say when things are going good, right?  When you feel a peace and a joy you think is never going to leave or fade and no matter what, you are going to have a "great" attitude.  Cuz you kinda think "I can't really be broken anymore can I?"  "This has to be as bad as it's going to get?"  Well I thought all that until yesterday.  Yesterday was by far the worst day yet.  I have never felt the pain I felt yesterday.  It is almost indescribable.  Of course I had people around helping me so the smile stayed on my face....isn't that how it front of people you just smile.  Then everyone goes home, or in your own home goes to bed and you are one around to smile in front of.  Then you are just left with pain...pain that isn't going away....pain that feels like the skin of your feet are being ripped off and fire is burning them and someone is pouring gasoline over them....and the pain keeps moving up your legs and you scream in your head "IS THIS EVER GOING TO STOP!!"  And then I lost it!  Sobbing I cried out to the Lord......"Please heal me.....please heal me....please heal me....I can't do this....I can't do this....I can't be stuck in this house any longer......I can't not walk my children to school on a beautiful morning....I am not strong enough for this.....I am not strong enough....."  And He said softly, "I know you are not....but I already told you I am....did you forget?"  My sobbing didn't pain didn't stop....but the words in my head slowly changed.....I started crying out "I just want Your will" over and over.  I wish I could say I went to bed last night joyful and peaceful and pain free....but that didn't happen.  I went to bed more broken then I have ever been in my life....realizing again how weak I really am.  Do I want to be healed?  I do!  But do I want His will more even if it means never being healed?  Yes I do....because I know I will be healed one day even if it's not here on earth.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

My prayer today

After a pretty rough morning I sat down to read my bible and these verses just became my prayer for today: "Bend down,O Lord, and hear my prayer; answer me for I need your help. Protect me, for I am devoted to you. Save me, for I serve you and trust you. You are my God. Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am calling on you constantly. I will call to you whenever I'm in trouble, and you will answer me. For you are great and perform wonderful deeds. You alone are God. Teach me your ways, O Lord, that I may live according to your truth! Grant me purity of heart, so that I may honor you. With all my heart I will praise you, O Lord my God. I will give glory to your name forever." Psalm 86: 1-3,7,10-12

Monday, April 16, 2012

Yellow Box Sandals

What in the world are yellow box sandals some may be asking. For me right now they are the biggest blessing. I am so thankful for them. They are the MOST comfortable shoes and they are the ONLY shoes I can wear right now! I want to thank my dear friend Lizzy in Texas who introduced me to this fabulous footwear! Who would of known they would turn out to be such blessing to me?!?! For those of you who can buy them (which in Iowa is next to impossible) I somewhat envy you. : ) They are worth every penny....your feet with thank you because I know mine do!!!!

Here is a link to where you view/order the flip-flops: Yellow Box Flip Flops

Journal entries

Not sure why I want to share my last weeks journal entries. I think because in doing so I want to be honest about my weaknesses and not be ashamed that I am not perfect and have it all together. I don't want my pride to be my biggest downfall. God says His strength is shown through our weaknesses and I want to trust in that. Also God has just given me some amazing verses to memorize and I will add them in as I did in my entries if ya'll wanna look them up! : ) Apr 8th Lord we need to be diligently teaching our children about you. Lord change our hearts and the hearts of our children so that we will love you with all our hearts and souls. (Deut. 30:6) Let us always seek you first and store our treasures in heaven so that the desires of our hearts will be with you. (Luke 12:31&34) Help me not to be afraid or discouraged knowing that you go before me and will never fail or abandon me. (Deut 31:8) Allow me to have joy in my trials so that I will develope perseverance and become complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4) Shine light in my entire life Lord so that I would have no corners and my life would be radiant for you. (Luke 11:36) Apr 9th Thank you Lord for your words and your faithfulness. Heal me from this pain Lord if it's your will. If not, allow me to stand firm on your promises. To trust that this is all for my benefit. That you promise to work all things out for my good. (Rom 8:28) That you give me all I need at all times and that I will finish this race of my life well. (2 Corin 9:8) Apr 11th Help me remember to be humble, to only boast in you and all that you are. I want to be your disciple taking up my cross and following you. Apr 12th Thank you for your peace and your promises. TRUTH - The Lord wants me to walk in his strength! Pray more boldly and have the faith that God can do it! Apr 13th I am anxious in not knowing what to do. I don't want to be lazy but I know I have to slow down as God is directing me. Teach me Lord to number my days, to give every second of every minute to you. (Ps 90:12) The more I learn the more unworthy I feel. God you are so big. I want to be completely sold out for you! Apr 14th Joshua 9:14 "So the Isrealites examined their food, but they didn't consult the Lord" (you might need to read back a bit in Joshua to fully get this verse) How many times Lord do I "examine" something and lean on my own understanding and not consult you?! (Prov 3:5) Forgive me and forgive me for how I drag others down in my sin when I do this.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

My Song

So I promise this is the last post for today....maybe this is why I never blogged before...cuz I never stop!  : )  This is really my song right now and I wanted to share really says everything I feel right now but they sound so much better singing it than me!!

1st Email

I thought today I would also just copy the 1st email I sent out because I know I didn't have everyone's email and that way ya'll who didn't get the email can read it now.   Plus I think it will clear up my blog name a little better!  : ) 

So with some urging of an unnamed friend I am sitting down to write ya'll this email. For a few a you it is an update and for the others I know you are probably wondering what I need to update you about! So to get everyone on the same page I will start at the beginning...
In early January I started training for a half marathon that is going to be May 5th. We started slow and had worked our way up to 10 miles. It was awesome! I had no pains (except for an annoying butt cramp once!) and great shoes and was VERY excited about this run. About 3 to 3 1/2 weeks ago, on an off running day, the bottom of my feet felt weird. It was like a sock was bunched up and I was walking on it. I kept looking at my feet thinking maybe I stepped on something, was there a blister, were they swollen....I changed socks a couple of times, but it did't go away. It wasn't painful just annoying. The next day the same and then there started to be some tingling in my feet and like a numbness on my feet. For a few days this tingling numbness feeling kept moving up my legs to about my knees....and then the pain came. It hurt to walk. So I kinda hobbled around and after 2 weeks of this another friend said you need to see a podiatrist. I got three different names and called to see who could get me in first. This was on a Monday (two weeks ago from this coming Monday) and they could get me in on Wednesday.
I went on Wed and she looked at my feet thinking I might have high arches...flat feet...things like that. But the crazy thing is I have great formed feet. Nothing looks wrong on the outside. That is probably the most annoying when you can't see anything wrong. By then they were so painful to touch and she gave me a steriod pack saying by this evening you should feel relief and if not by Friday call back. As I am sure ya'll can guess no Friday morning I called back and they got be scheduled for that morning. They said that Dr. Smith (the podiatrist) wanted me to be seen today. Ok...weird but I went anyway. I get there and Dr Short (the neurologist) said he needed to run some testing on my nerves in my legs and feet to see where the issues were. So basically I had to have a test where they send electrical currents down your leg....can you say ouch!!! Then they stick small needles in your legs and feet to check your muscle response. By then I think I was getting a little emotional and was wondering what in the world was going on. He said those tests were great so they needed to get me a MRI of my spine now. Once again I was confussed. He explained that whatever was happening was up higher in my spinal cord and that this could be the beginning of MS. Yep...MS.
I set there by myself wishing I would of brought someone with me. So he set up the MRI and some blood work because I could be low on some important vitamins and that could be the cause also. (fyi...all blood work came back great) That evening I went for the MRI and went home and basically prayed and prayed and prayed. I couldn't sleep so at about 3 am I just started reading my bible. A peace like no other came over me and I knew no matter what I was going to be ok. On Saturday morning at 6:45 the dr called and said they did find an abnormality in my spine and I needed to come in that morning at 9 and start my steriod infusion. So that is what we did....three days of 2 hr long infusion. They burned quite a bit going in the first 2 days. Saturday morning was the hardest. I think I was just so shocked that one morning I am at a podiatrist and the next morning I am hooked to an IV for two hours. I got so sick that I was throwing up before she could get the IV started. I actually laid my head on the toilet seat of the bathroom at the hospital cuz I felt so ill!
Matt has been awesome through all of this. He keeps reminding me no matter what he loves me, is here for me, and we will figure everything out and that we will get through this together. The kiddos handled it well after we explained that I most likely was not going to die quickly or even die from this. They have said they are a little scared I won't be able to play with them like before but everyday we have been asking them to think of something good that has happened and remind them that God works all things out for our good.
On Tuesday I started some other high dose meds and pain relievers but still no relief from the pain. Dr. Short then ordered a MRI of my brain to check for some lacerations in my brain to see if this would be a slow or fast moving disease. I went in yesterday and they said my brain looked good and there was only a small questionable spot that they were hopeful wouldn't effect me. Praise GOD!!!!
So here is where we are now and where I am asking you to pray for me. I don't technically have MS unless you have more than one "flare up" because the M stands for multiple. So pray this will be it and never happen again. Also please pray that this flare up will end. My body from my feet thru my lower back feel like they are on fire. As of Friday I can't drive anymore and I can barely leave my bed. The doctors are trying me out on different medicines but so far no relief. The new meds come with some side effects like dizziness, blurred vision, and feeling like I am in a constant fog. I asked them if this was going to go away but they said they can't tell me that. MS looks different in everyone and follows no pattern.
I don't want to end this email though without saying a few other things. God is so good. He has brought scripture to me that has comforted me like I have never known. He is in me, beside me and with me every minute of every day. I am in love with our Lord with my entire heart. He has surrounded our family thru others prayers and brought us a joy and peace this past week that can only be from His Spirit. The pain I hope to lose but what we have learned never. I can honestly say if I have to keep this pain to stay on my knees where I am supposed to be then I want to keep it. My ultimate prayer is that I want to do this well.
I love each of you and thank you for praying for me and my family!!!

Why now?

When we moved to San Antonio, Texas 4 years ago I thought about started a blog....but I didn't.  Then when we moved from Texas to Iowa last year I once again thought about starting a blog....but I didn't.  So why now?  Because I want to remember....I want my children to remember....remember everything the Lord is teaching us right now and in the days to come.  That is what the Lord commands us to do.  In Deuteronomy 6:5-12, we are told to love the Lord with all our hearts, soul, and strength.  We are to teach our children His commandments and impress them upon their hearts by talking about Him and His goodness at all times....sitting at home, walking down the road, first thing in the morning, and the last thing at night.  (Maybe today it would of also added "and blog about it"?!)  Then it goes on to say that after all these great things God has promised happens... be careful not to forget!  Do not forget it was the Lord who did all this all for you...not you!  How many times I think I am not like the Isrealites who forgot all God did....I mean they saw the Red Sea part....what more do you want?!  But I am the same!  So I want to use this blog to remember all God is doing.  I want my children to have something to help them remember and for anyone else who wants to read.  : )