Saturday, September 8, 2012

Learning through affliction

"Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word"    Psalm 119:67

A little story from the past:

Finding out we were having our 5th child (at age 26) wasn't super great.  Not that we didn't want more children, it was just the timing wasn't wonderful.  Our twins were not even one year old, AND my husband had just left for Iraq for one year.  Did I mention our other two children were only 5 and 3?! 

I was talking to a friend of mine, before I knew I was pregnant, and she said, "I think God is going to teach you how to accept help while Matt is gone."  I was thinking no way!  I had always been the one who helped others and why would Matt being gone make this any different?  They next day I wasn't feeling so great and then the next day, not so feeling so great again, I got this idea to take a pregnancy test.  And to my surprise it was positive!  I called my friend back and jokingly blamed her for me being pregnant.  But, I still thought I was not going to need help.  I am sure you can figure out by now I was going to be wrong.  : )

I was not just a little wrong though.  To make a long story short, I was hospitalized 3 times and in the ER probably 5 times.  I had to move back in with my parents for a few weeks and my doctor even sent a Red Cross message to my husband's commander asking for him to come home (they said no).  After moving back home I had women from my church, who I didn't know, coming to care for my other 4 children because I was physically unable to.  I had people doing my laundry, taking car of my oil changes, and shoveling my driveway.  I stayed this way until I was about 22 weeks into my pregnancy! 

As crazy as this may sound, I still was not taking help from others well.  I couldn't wait to get better so that I could pay them all back somehow.  Talk about being prideful!  I was in the hospital for the 3rd time, still not feeling better, and I remember I just started crying and I said, out loud, "Alright I will accept help and be thankful for it."  I am not joking, but after I said that, and actually meant it, it felt like I was being rocked back and forth and I instantly felt better. 

Now I would like to say that I learned a lesson about pride and being thankful for others who want to help me out, and even just about slowing down....but it seems like I am right there again.  It is so hard to be sick.  I feel like I have to keep proving that I am worth something by pushing myself everyday.  I am embarrassed to ask for help and I feel like a burden to those around me.  Why can't I just learn and not have to relearn again and again?

I have no answer for my questions.  I just read this verse and it was just so true for me and has been probably my whole life.  It reminds me to be thankful for being sick.  It reminds me that when I am not, I go my own way.  I become prideful and I race around doing the unimportant instead of what matters and what will last in eternity. 

Thank you Lord that you don't leave me where I am.  That you afflict me so that I will come back to you and to your word.  I want to be obedient in my walk with you!

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