Wednesday, April 18, 2012

How Real?

So I have been avoiding this post all day.  I could say I don't know why but I do.  In the beginning I said I wanted to be be honest about all I was learning and what my struggles were.  How easy that is to say when things are going good, right?  When you feel a peace and a joy you think is never going to leave or fade and no matter what, you are going to have a "great" attitude.  Cuz you kinda think "I can't really be broken anymore can I?"  "This has to be as bad as it's going to get?"  Well I thought all that until yesterday.  Yesterday was by far the worst day yet.  I have never felt the pain I felt yesterday.  It is almost indescribable.  Of course I had people around helping me so the smile stayed on my face....isn't that how it front of people you just smile.  Then everyone goes home, or in your own home goes to bed and you are one around to smile in front of.  Then you are just left with pain...pain that isn't going away....pain that feels like the skin of your feet are being ripped off and fire is burning them and someone is pouring gasoline over them....and the pain keeps moving up your legs and you scream in your head "IS THIS EVER GOING TO STOP!!"  And then I lost it!  Sobbing I cried out to the Lord......"Please heal me.....please heal me....please heal me....I can't do this....I can't do this....I can't be stuck in this house any longer......I can't not walk my children to school on a beautiful morning....I am not strong enough for this.....I am not strong enough....."  And He said softly, "I know you are not....but I already told you I am....did you forget?"  My sobbing didn't pain didn't stop....but the words in my head slowly changed.....I started crying out "I just want Your will" over and over.  I wish I could say I went to bed last night joyful and peaceful and pain free....but that didn't happen.  I went to bed more broken then I have ever been in my life....realizing again how weak I really am.  Do I want to be healed?  I do!  But do I want His will more even if it means never being healed?  Yes I do....because I know I will be healed one day even if it's not here on earth.


  1. I appreciate your honesty. This world makes it easy to forget how fleeting everything is. God is using you in powerful ways. Speaking the truth of your pain brings such needed awareness of how comfortable we all get...and your truth about crying out...humbling. I am sobbing for your pain, yet smiling because you KNOW Him. His will is perfect, and I pray for your strength and peace as you wait for it to play out in your life. You are at his right hand. You are prayed for, and you are SO VERY loved.

  2. Jamie,

    I just don't have words. I have been praying for your healing, and will now pray too that God's will and purpose be done in your life. Thank you for your honesty.