Wednesday, April 18, 2012
So I have been avoiding this post all day. I could say I don't know why but I do. In the beginning I said I wanted to be real....to be honest about all I was learning and what my struggles were. How easy that is to say when things are going good, right? When you feel a peace and a joy you think is never going to leave or fade and no matter what, you are going to have a "great" attitude. Cuz you kinda think "I can't really be broken anymore can I?" "This has to be as bad as it's going to get?" Well I thought all that until yesterday. Yesterday was by far the worst day yet. I have never felt the pain I felt yesterday. It is almost indescribable. Of course I had people around helping me so the smile stayed on my face....isn't that how it is....in front of people you just smile. Then everyone goes home, or in your own home goes to bed and you are alone....no one around to smile in front of. Then you are just left with pain...pain that isn't going away....pain that feels like the skin of your feet are being ripped off and fire is burning them and someone is pouring gasoline over them....and the pain keeps moving up your legs and you scream in your head "IS THIS EVER GOING TO STOP!!" And then I lost it! Sobbing I cried out to the Lord......"Please heal me.....please heal me....please heal me....I can't do this....I can't do this....I can't be stuck in this house any longer......I can't not walk my children to school on a beautiful morning....I am not strong enough for this.....I am not strong enough....." And He said softly, "I know you are not....but I already told you I am....did you forget?" My sobbing didn't stop....my pain didn't stop....but the words in my head slowly changed.....I started crying out "I just want Your will" over and over. I wish I could say I went to bed last night joyful and peaceful and pain free....but that didn't happen. I went to bed more broken then I have ever been in my life....realizing again how weak I really am. Do I want to be healed? I do! But do I want His will more even if it means never being healed? Yes I do....because I know I will be healed one day even if it's not here on earth.