Friday, April 27, 2012

What If? So What?

I wanted to share something that I learned (and have not mastered) early in this "sickness."  As you may remember everything happened so a 24 hour turnaround!  So it was probably the 3rd day that I started freaking out.  On the 1st day, I didn't really even know what MS was, so when my Dr. said this could be the beginning of MS I was really calm.....I don't think I even knew what MS stood for!  Then on the 2nd day, I had my first steriod infusion and felt so horrible that was all I could think about.  The next day...the 3rd day...I went on my computer and looked up MS.  That was when the panick started creeping in. : )  So I was sitting on my bed and all the "what ifs" started.   What if this never goes away?  What if I do have MS?  What if I go into a wheelchair?  What if I go blind?  What if I die early?  What if Matt doesn't love me anymore?  What if I embarrass my children?  What if I have to wear depends because I can't control myself?  What if I never leave this room again?  And I am sure there more!  And then that's when I heard it.......So what?  So what if all these things do happen?  Does that mean I love you any less?  Does that mean you are any less of my child?  Does that mean I have left you or would ever leave you?  Does that mean my Son didn't die for you?  Does that mean I still don't have a plan for your life?  My fears went away that day.....and my "what if" changed to a "so what."  But remember I have yet to master this!  : ) 

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